THE NIGERIAN TITLE

Most Nigerians, regardless of tribe, religion or ethnicity are immune to the "Title syndrome." These titles ranges from traditional titles to academic titles such as Doctosr, Professors etc, to religious titles such as Hajiya, Alhaji, JP (Jerusalem Pilgrimage), Sir and Lady. In shut, an average successful man in Nigeria is expected to have a Title either as a prefix or suffix. The crave has gotten so bad to the extent that most people, especially the rich ones, pay handsomely to any University willing to confer an honorary PhD to them, just so they can add the title Dr. to their names. Some others also pay to be conferred with a chieftaincy title. Some people even make money from these title holders, especially the traditional title holders, as they greet them with encomiums when they see them, just to get 'tips'. These 'tip collectors' defend their "tip giver's" title in his presence or absence just to keep the tips flowing.



After all the struggle(hustling), for a person from a poor family to make it large, or continue in the footsteps of your rich parents to keep the family name and pedigree going, little wonder why most rich parents stipulate a particular field such as engineering, law, medicine for their little children who are clueless at that stage of life; to ensure that the conventional mister or miss at least must come before the name.

In a Kingless society you will find many Prince and Princess both rich and poor all in the struggle to make the name spicy and give a defined look to that person through the title, the trending title presently is the “DAME” which is an effeminate title that is basically traditional but originated from a Latin- French region don’t search far because that is our first lady’s title which is of a truth befitting.

A Nigerian title is necessary for these reasons:

* Imagine that after all your years of studying, achieving academic excellence in various courses and attaining educational knowledge to its peak, which obviously is a doctoral degree, or being called to bar and ending up as a lawyer and by God’s grace a SAN or a judge, or as a doctor or any other prestigious profession; and you are called upon to the high table at an event or an occasion without a title added before or after your name, it would certainly reduce your dignity to a regular event attendee, it will show those clapping for you as you take your seat that you have not gone far in life and it is probably through the mercy of God that you were invited; because in this present time, for you to be invited to some events you have to be a title holder. A singular title to your name brings an immeasurable amount of honour to you and your name, Nigerians present would understand that you have had fruitful years and your intelligence rate is off the meters. Remember that the longer your title sounds the better for you as a business man.



*As a true son of the soil, after the hustle in the city, you benevolently construct a borehole for free water supply in your community to better the life of the under-privileged village inhabitants, and to show that you have the progress of your community at heart. It is paramount that the King and his cabinet members tender a request of bestowing upon you a title of either a red cap chief, a shugaban, or an Olori to appreciate your sense of concern in developing your village in your own way. The villagers will as well tender their respect to you by paving a clear way for your triumphant entry into all the nooks and crannies of the village, while you are taking that walk ensure to visit your borehole plant, converse with those you see there and promise to build more boreholes and erect more developmental structures within the year; as this will help the more to bring extra titles to you.



*Even a man who has spent most of his life driving a danfo bus or a taxi, who knows the name and road of every street deserves a title such as Baba O, Baba Agba or Baba Ijesha. These names will represent him appropriately in the bus stop and entice travellers to board his vehicle. If after driving for so many years and he gets to the age of retirement, he may even be conferred as the NURTW chairman to regulate road affairs in a particular district and to carry out activities like introduction of new agberos and drivers to the family, registration of new vehicles to the union’s register, conduct meetings for proper behaviour of drivers to agberos and vice versa.



* Alhaji and Hajiya are among the highest and most respected title in the northern Islamic environment. Although religious titles are automatic and not conferred, the money used by the Alhaji or Hajiya to travel to the holy land; Mecca, to and fro including the general expense requires a title; the money spent can amount to the six months salary of an office worker. Note that if any family member, friend, neighbour, or relation of yours is called an Alhaji, Alhaja or Hajiya without a proper visit to Mecca to step foot on the holy land, forget it!! That title is invalid. A visit to Mecca (as a muslim) or Jerusalem(as a Christian) authenticates you as a title holder religiously.`



The Nigerian titles are not to be joked with, as it is seen as a high rate of success.



Until next time, I remain, Alhaji Chief Dr Engr Revd Desmond Mary Uke Amama JP the alawaidiarabadi 1 of Kalabari, dum dum nyom nyom of efik, Onwa 3 of Enugu-Abakaliki, Atah 1 of Kogi and the Omo Aye 2 of Osun Osogbo.

Thank you.

A LETTER TO THE BISHOP

My Lordship,

SITUATION REPORT ON THE JUST CONCLUDED CHILDREN, YOUTH/ADULT  HARVEST AND BAZAAR




First of all, I want to congratulate you for your recent installation as the bishop of this diocese. From your early days as a seminarian and even as a priest, I have known that you will do mighty exploits in the kingdom of God through the Roman Catholic Church, in that regard I say more flame to your fire.

The advent of the bazaar has been in anticipation by the parishioners and visitors for so long; in fact since December of last 2013. Chains of collection were mapped out by the bazaar’s offering architects. Collections were mostly made on last Sundays of the month. As a philosophical man or a salary payer to the church workers you will understand what I mean by ‘last Sunday of every month.’ After salaries must have been paid on Friday and still intact in the pocket waiting to be deposited in the bank on Monday, the catechist will mount the pulpit to say ‘brothers and sisters, glory glory to Jesus’, after our response he will plead with the congregation to generously donate for the success of the forthcoming harvest.

Those sitting in the front row, who may be completely filled with piety extravaganza would always rush out to give to the Lord, even before the announcement ends for the collection. This is usually accompanied with melodious songs from the 8:00am St. Cecilia’s choir. The call for second offertory kept coming on every Sunday from last year until March of this year. The bazaar-know-how committee had earlier addressed the church in April that second collection for the bazaar would be every Sunday and financial report about that Sunday’s collection would be given during announcement of the next Sundays.


His Lordship, after that announcement I bought a big brand new hard cover book and a carton of blue ink pen. I began to take records of each Sunday’s collection. Although it looked and seemed stupid, but I had to keep records because I  perceived a rat far away. I decided to play smart by keeping records for retrieval on the day of reckoning. My Lord, despite the stress of coming to church early and attending all masses every week to get a proper seat for clear listening from the faulty Public Address System for a good record of figures, I still made it. I got a detailed entry of all collections, thanksgivings and pledges that were made. Finally we waited for the day of all days, which was to us the parish’s Christmas.

October 26th’s alarm woke me up smiling like never before, after all the preparations to church; I endured all the sequential thanksgiving. We moved to the church hall which was the harvest event centre for the celebration of the season; although it was hilarious, I still took my record book, from the mass to the bazaar venue. I took a detailed record of sales and finally the event came to an end with the closing prayer by the Parish Pastoral Chairman.


Two weeks later, after all the bazaar trauma, I don’t know if I was in a trance or an illusion but probably it was real, one of the ex-bazaar committee members came out to say "dear parishioners we did not realize enough money from our previous harvest and bazaar, so please we need your unending donation." The whole congregation were astonished, and to my greatest surprise, NOBODY donated. My Lordship, you will probably know why I was day dreaming or startled, because I had the complete record at hand and the total amount of the millions in my head. Highly infuriated I stood up, went to the altar, took a slow bow, and I gave my personal financial records of the harvest/bazaar happenings because I felt  it was time for the congregation to know the truth about the actual amount of money that was realised. while I was announcing it, I saw the guilty ones burying their heads in shame while upholders of the truth applauded me. After my analysis, the Parish Priest ex-communicated me from the church as he considered my act inappropriate and ungodly.

As a man of high theological knowledge, I want you my Lord to be the Judge over this issues and intervene promptly.


Yours faithfully,
Adrian Danbaba.

A concerned ex-parishioner.

LOVE GONE SOUR

Love was the craziest thing that ever happened to me, yes! For starters like me, it shacked me more than star lager beer or Hennessy. You would not blame me, especially when you have a soul mate whom you think blends completely with you and the sight of him gives a cool and sweet flow of blood deep down through your vain that could be felt.



Mr. Tamtopopolis, my papa, who had an immeasurable amount of energy to farm sold all his farm produce and livestock for me to go to school and at least bear the title ‘graduate’ of a secondary school, which most Achinaka villagers couldn’t afford. After six years of rough studies in school and obtaining an O'level certificate, I started working as the community secretary in my village. Whenever I was leaving the house, popsy always told me to be careful; carefulness which he meant was not specific, as being an elder comes with wisdom. Most men were making passes at me, giving me 'dry' compliments, some would say 'chai asamnwa, asam mpete, ada mma', although most of those compliments excited me and even made me walk with my head up high with pride, I still tried to keep papa's words in mind.



Oga Parto liked me so much and he told me he would like me to be his twelfth wife, jokingly saying I would make the family to complete a dozen, but I never liked him. He kept stalking me and his sight disgusted me. I woke up one morning on an Eke market day to the loud noise of the flute and ogene which was playing in my compound, it was oga parto who came with his clans' men to meet papa. They told papa that they came to harvest the banana which papa planted and has been watering for years; with great anger, papa brought out his old gun, which he was awarded with as a colonel in the Biafran army, ordering them to leave the compound before the count of three. Immediately they left, the place became as quite as the Sahara desert.



Vex catch me sha o that papa drove them away, but I realized the real reason for papa's anger. Oga Parto was a sixty five year old elderly man that still fantasised about still being a very young man, perhaps someone in his early 20's. He was forming bomboy, he dyes his hair and applies the white men's cream on his body to look like them. After Parto's issue, I left the secretary work to do something else that would sway me away from men that were drooling after me.



The 'peanut' salary which I saved from my secretary job, and the money I got from my esusu contribution helped me to get a shop where I began to sell sweets, biscuits, gin and cigarettes near the community market to help myself and papa who was an old-soldier-never-die. I also got the shop basically to run away from those old yuppie looking men, that will want to use money to entice young girls, just to get them laid.



Benson came to my shop to buy biscuits, when I first sighted him, my heart skipped a little because he was very handsome, I couldn't even concentrate on giving him what he asked for. Weeks after weeks he came to my kiosk more often. One day he described his feelings towards me, saying he wants to be my nwa bobo. I was so excited, but didn't show it, I just smiled in the usual shy way most young girls do when they are being approached by a guy they like for the first time, and followed the usual girl's principle "let me think about it." Joy untold dwelled inside me all through the day and it showed in my business. Some weeks later I gave him an unspoken reply in agreement to his request.



We started meeting at UCT(Under the Cashew Tree), it was a slang that he used to deviate suspicion whenever he came to the shop and also to deceive papa when we are going out. So love sick and lonely one Saturday morning, I decided to pay Benson a surprise visit at his house and carry out a woman’s function to cook for him and also have a nice time with him. When I got there chai! Nwan nem! What I saw was 'twoderful', I saw my Benson having sex with his fellow man, a man o! What will I call that? Ashawo? I have no name or a description.



Am left with two choices now; either to get him beaten by the towns youth or go to the police… I'm in a fix right now.

THE COMPLETE JOURNAL OF AN OFFICE WORKER

The rate at which youths in Nigeria clamour for white collar jobs has become more pensive as each day passes by. So when God looks down upon you and answers your prayers by including your name among those short-listed for interview, and finally among those employed, remember that white collar jobs require some etiquette that should be observed as this will gain you a legible and prolonged stay. They include;

I. Punctuality

After receiving God’s blessings, you won’t in your right senses wake up by 7:55am to start preparing to go to the office knowing fully well your resumption time is 8:00am. Ensure that you maintain consistency in punctuality to the office. Do not arrive after your boss as it connotes unseriousness and superiority over your boss.

II. Style up nicely

In most offices, there is a dress code provided for all employees to adhere strictly to. If your office does not have a predefined dress code, ensure to create one for yourself, make sure it's something elegant, stylish and smart. Ensure that you put on something official from Mondays to thursdays and something quite casual on Fridays and Saturdays (that is if you work on saturdays). Purchase a gigantic parallel mirror to gaze at every morning before leaving for work, to save you from looking shabby to the office, as an appropriate style up commands trust from your business clients and an unseen respect from your colleagues.


III. Seek before you find

When you have familiarised yourself with your colleagues and maintained a good working relationship with them, ensure to ask for permission from them before making use of any of their properties. When you do this, it will boost your trust percentage level among your colleagues.

IV. Always use the magic words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’

When seeking for any official item either a leave(no matter how long), allowance, or any work related issue always include ‘please’ before and after your statement to show that you were well trained; if you were eventually granted what you requested for, always appreciate by saying ‘thank you’. Even if your request was not granted, you can still say 'thank you', smile and walk away.


V. Tame your tongue

Avoid using vulgar words and don't use slangs like ‘I'm gonna’ ‘I wanna’ among others. Try to speak in a manner that proportionally befits the way you're dressed. Do not interrupt people when they are discussing, rather wait for the discussion to be over before you talk. After you must have learnt how to speak in a good manner, try to always engage in a pro-active frequency reduction therapy; that is your voice should be tuned down when talking to someone on phone or in the office.

VI. Avoid "Amebo" and back biting

Try by all means to refrain from malicious talk, because when you discuss uncanny issues and laugh in a ‘jezebelious’ manner, you reduce your dignity and respect in the eyes of your boss and co-workers. Whenever you see two co-workers gossiping, resist the spirit of participation and it would flee away.

VII. Make your work zone clean at all times

There's a popular saying, ‘cleanliness is next to Godliness’ and as we all know, cleanliness begets friendliness, cleanliness also attracts complements. Before settling on your desk and before leaving the office, ensure that you clean your work zone properly. A little decoration with flowers or pictures of you or an inanimate object won’t be a bad idea. The outlook of your work area describes your personal life, it speaks whether you are organised or not. Do not over decorate or stuff your desk with too many flowers as it will make your table or office loose the official look and also look clumsy.

INSPIRATION IN MY HOME

When I wake up every morning, I say my prayers, bath, eat, go to work and when I come back I still have to take my bath to freshen up, eat, maybe watch TV if I'm not too exhausted and sleep. The next day I carry out the same routine, and this goes on and on and on. I tend to seek things I presume I might find outside, rather than finding it in my house. I look beyond my domain not until I come to cognisance that I have everything I need to keep me going and waxing stronger.


We all live in nice abodes no matter our residence. I'm saying this because in each of our homes there are some materials that really tell us great things that we don't know. Its time to know.

The Home Materials

The Door- 'Be open to the World'

The door tells me to expose myself to the world, which presents a thousand ideas and opportunities. The door tells you that it is ultimately possible to venture into something aside from what you are skilled in, and will still be very good at both. The door tells you that when you walk pass/ through it you should thrive to attain by all means what you went out for, so that when you come back you might smile at it when turning the Knob. My Door, my exposer!


The Wall Clock- 'No time'

While you are exposed to the world grabbing different opportunities, skills and chances, the clock says 'do not waste time on unnecessary issues, time is money and money is time, your success depends on how you use your time.' With this registered in the head, the grab for all goodies become 'time inclined' making it an easy and calculated task, achieving the purpose, you smile at the clock. My clock, my guide!


The Ceiling Fan- 'Keep moving on'

As you venture into achieving your opportunities, some of it must be difficult to get/lay hands on, you might fall down when hunting then the swinging fan says 'never relent, myself, I keep fighting as long as there is the will power, I never give up so you should not too.' The fan provides a new vigour that propels you into mindset of 'the goal or nothing' this brings good returns. My Fan, my propeller!


The Window- 'more greener grass'

Rising from your slumber helps you to know that the grass is greener and fertile, the window gives you a clear vision to see afar more range of possibilities, the window says 'go out there, you haven't seen enough, look deeply and see greater things that are waiting for you' when you do this, you actually discover the windows sincerity given you an opportunity to succeed. My Window,my Sight!

The Electric Bulb- 'shine unto the world'

When you achieve all this do not hesitate to shine your success light to the world, successful people do not hoard their progress, show those who are struggling to sour by giving them a detailed explanation on how to use your own material to inspire yourself. If no one comes to you to seek the principles of 'grabbing goodies' then you search for them, if they don't come you go out for them, ensure that this knowledge spreads to others, then you would be certainly fulfilled.

Obeying all this gives you the intended success and boastfully you can say 'Veni, Vidi, Vincit' 'I came, I saw, I conquered'

So when next you are sitting in you house and you feel bad or ashamed, simply because you live in a ghetto or slum, don't forget you have the door, the window, the fan, the electric bulb,and the wall clock. All you need to do is make the best use of them.

HARNESSING THE BIG BOOBS AND BUTT SYNDROME

Recently I accompanied one of my friends to Wuse market to buy something. Of course you all know Wuse Market is one of the most popular markets in Abuja, where all class of people troop in and out; the rich, the average class, short, tall, fat, slim, plump, fair, dark, the well endowed, in shut the list is endless. We stopped in front of a shop to admire a nice t-shirt displayed on a mannequin, when we noticed a plump light skinned lady walk pass us. At first we didn't notice her, until we heard some guys standing some few meters away from us shout "Ukwu"; of course you know what that exclamation means. For the sake of those who don't know, let me save you the stress of cracking your brain. When you hear anyone make that exclamation when he sees a lady, he is simply referring to the lady's big butts. That word came into existence after the popular music crooner Timaya released his hit song and music video titled "Ukwu", where a lot of ladies with big butts where seen shaking their big butts in seductive and provocative ways. Okay back to what I was saying, we noticed those guys were not the only ones starring at her 'behind', other guys were also lost starring at her too, because of her very big butts. I must say, she was quite endowed with both 'front' and 'back'. This is most men's dream lady I guess?

This scenario got me thinking and also wondering why ladies with big boobs and butts get so much attention and attraction from most men? Thereby leaving ladies with little or no endowments having inferiority complex and some of them who can't handle it opt for artificial buttocks; yes you heard me right, if you're surprised there is artificial buttocks for ladies. It comes in form of tight with foam on the buttocks area, which is usually shaped to look like a real buttocks, and usually worn by ladies as an underwear. They come in different sizes and can be seen on display in almost every clothing shop in the market. Also, ladies with flat boobs go for foam and push-up bras to make their boobs look big. They go to this extent just to look attractive and maybe to boost their confidence.

This obsession for big boobs and butts is really emitting negative behaviour from most men, as some men who can’t keep their eyes off curvy women go to the extent of even ejaculating while lost in the world of lust while starring. Some even get involved in auto crash because of their total concentration on a "curved piece flesh". It's so bad that we allow it to becloud our subconsciousness thus bringing about serious distraction, loss of focus and an unstable mind. Even churches are not spared from this trend, as some of these heavily endowed ladies who sit close to the pulpit, serve as a distraction to pastors, and some pastors who are not spiritually strong enough to resist tend to loose concentration.

This act most times journeys its obsessed victims into the global village (the internet) to surf for nude pictures of ladies, whom they don’t know and won’t see, just to satisfy their addictive sexual pleasure. This later transforms into emotional trauma, leading to self-blame and self-pity. why not focus when you still have the chance?

WE CAN CURB THIS SITUATION BY-

I. Speaking about Godly things and filling our minds with it too

II. Filling our hearts with things of peace

III. See all ladies as your sisters, except you are deeply in love with a particular one and also ready to take her to the alter.

IV. Avoid untrusted internet dating sites and stop pornography of all kinds

NB: Guys, beware of that lady's butt and boobs you're starring at and thinking of toasting, because you may just end up taking a lady wearing padded buttocks and push-up bra home, and when you discover what happens next.......?

Your views are welcome as usual

EBOLA VS GOD

Good day 2014bloggers! Welcome to my blog. This is my first post on my blog, but I promise that this and the subsequent ones would be very interesting and fun inclined.

The bible said in the book of Psalms 50:15, "And call upon me in the day of trouble; and I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me." This is God’s word directly from his son David, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.

This brings us to the main talk of the day. Some months back, the federal government and officials of the Lagos State ministry of health visited the General Overseer of the Synagogue church of all nations (SCOAN), Prophet T.B. Joshua seeking his cooperation in ensuring that Ebola victims are not brought into his church for healing, since he is reputed for his claims of divine healings of all kinds of diseases, spiritual problems and also set many free from all forms of setbacks.

Firstly, I am not a fan of SCOAN and the prophet at all, I have always doubted the authenticity of his ''miracles, signs and wonders''. Whenever someone is praising or saying something tremendous about him publicly, I certainly object because of my doubts; though everybody is entitled to his or her opinion or belief. I was discussing with an élite on church matters when I noticed a sticker of T.B.J’s church in his house and I asked if he is a fan of his and he said "no, but he believes that God is using him to bring about restoration and he is doing the work well." The bible said in the book of Mark 9:40 that "For he that is not against us is for us."

What is my point exactly? I want us to get these two prior points:

-  ‘ E get how person go preach with God’s name, and if e dey use jazz God go catch am.’ Remember when the apostles came to Jesus Christ to report a man that was casting out demons in Christ name and Christ said that "For he who is not against us is for us." we have heard many accusations that T.B.J is not doing a genuine work of God, but as far as he has not been caught or spiritually exposed, they are still mere accusations. We should know that only the spirit of God searcheth the deep and secret things, so we should not castigate him and his works. Remember, I don’t attend his church neither am I his fan, but we should all know that the spirit is one, and we should also know that "na only devil dey know devil o." We are fond of criticizing pastors, but how many of us pray for the religious, priests, clergies, pastors…guess your answer is I did but it was last year. We should try not to judge, so that we won’t be judged. What we say affects what happens around us because life and death lies in the tongue. The tongue contains millions of volts, watts, hertz that can lead us to sin, so we should mind how we use it, because even the bible warns against condemning a prophet.

-  While I was discussing with my brothers in the office concerning this present pandemonium, one of them had a flashback to the 80’s to reminisce about a wonderful, God fearing, spirit filled American evangelist, in person of John G. Lake; I don’t know how many of us that have an insight, either deep or shallow about him, but as I said earlier, he is a renowned man of God that came to Africa for a prayer session and at that time there was a similar disease like Ebola, and a patient who happened to be present there that day had the disease, and John G. Lake called out the person with the disease and told the person to spit on his hand because the disease was contagious. When he spat on his hand; the virus died immediately, as in at once. The power of God is immeasurable and unimaginable, God used John G. Lake to do wonders and everybody was filled with awe. If it was any of our Nigerian pastors who did same, some of us would say‘na lie, na jazz’and all sorts of unworthy things. I feel witchcraft has blinded us in different ways that we cannot clearly differentiate between God’s power and that of the devil.

Now, in one way or the other the government is quite right because thinking about this issue critically, it's a two way thing, the government gave the pastor this instruction to curtail the spread of the virus, but I feel they should have done it in a more discreet way.

Like I mentioned earlier, everybody is entitled to his or her opinion, so feel free and air your views…