SYNONYMS

Contracts are big deals in Nigeria, especially the government approved ones, because it favours both sides- the Contractor and the Contracted.

- The Contractor

This is the body giving out the contract for bidders to submit proposals to get the contract; they are the highest earners. They make the budget allocated for the contract and the actual amount used for execution to look alike. They are good mathematicians.

- The Contracted

The receiving body. They are the executioners, whom after the hustle and bustle of preparing a fine convincing proposal receives the contract. They are medium earners. Each contract gets them elated because it paves way for more contracts. They are smart people.

It is not good to visit the past- people, happenings or things, because I believe in the “forward ever backward never” slogan of my Governor Mu’azu Babangida Aliyu. But, in this case, we have to go backward before we thrust forward.

Lagos State is known to be an independent economy in Nigeria; its rapid development has drawn laudable commendation from so many people, of which all acknowledgements go to Babatunde Raji Fashola(BRF), the former Lagos State Governor. These developments include roads, power and energy, health care and other amenities.

The 11th hour always poses a threat caused either by you or haters of your progress; this is Governor Fashola’s situation.


It was alledged that the former Governor of Lagos State, used seventy-eight million naira (N78m) and one-hundred and thirty-nine million naira (N139m) out of the budget allocated to the State to build a website and to drill two boreholes respectively. Let me start with the website- tundefashola.com, Fashola is a digital man. Men like him can speed the rate of digital advancement in the country if given the presidential position come 2019. Let me explain-

-The site amongst other features contains an online video chat feature, to discuss with the ex-governor. Nigerians need anything that will give them a clear view of the government. It would serve as a transparent mechanism for the citizens to defend the government if criticised by foreigners.

-Past, present and future projects detailed to the last are available for visitors to read and appreciate his works. This is a great amount of transparency. Nigerians in diaspora and home base citizens that don’t reside in Lagos won't be left out, as they would also see pictures and appreciate his efforts.

What bothers me, Lagosians and other Nigerians is the amount allocated among the past projects for building the website. Seventy-eight million naira (N78m). Lets observe seventy eight seconds of silence. According to Info Access Plus, the company which built and upgraded the website, gave a financial statement that the amount collected for the services rendered was ten million naira (N10m) which implies that sixty eight million naira (N68m) is left or is tagged as “extra expenditure.” The website was built by expert designers and I figured that it wouldn’t have amounted more than twenty million (20m). It means that that 68 million has been used to build websites in their pockets and stomachs.

Why would a website meant for the state bear a private name? Although, the site is meant to serve as a medium to show his stewardship to his state, I think it is suppose to carry a general URL so he can handover to Governor Akinwumi Ambode one day to enable the Governor to also display his own stewardship which is in progress. The URL tundefashola.com makes me to think that the name Lagos and Tunde Fashola are similar either in meaning, phonetic sound or history. The Governor must have thought it over before approving the URL. Fashola is a wise man; it takes a wise man to do wise things like equating your name to the state’s name.

Boreholes are long lasting, very expensive to drill and maintain. I believe the money was well spent.

The present Lagos government should try to reconcile some things as part of their year’s project-

1. 78, 68 and 10 million naira should be carefully calculated and the balance should be used to appreciate the citizens. Airtime vouchers should be sent to frequent visitors of the site, humanitarian services should be appreciated from the website’s balance.

2. Historians should be employed to look into the history and relationship between the name Lagos and Tunde Fashola, as it would serve as a determinant to why such permission was granted.

I hope this website serves its purpose and the boreholes pump fresh water. Peace.

MY REDEMPTORIS- A FICTION

Holding and looking at the various hospital bills, receipts, test results and prescriptions, it puts a smile on my face; I decide(d) finally to go down memory lane of my health issues which posed a threat to my life for a considerable period of time.

5th January, 2013, we all resumed school with much stories to tell about our various holiday escapades –truth(s) and lies, it all made a good chat. Some students introduced new slangs and made it trend all through the term and next like BlackMagic’s ‘E easy O’ brought by Eva, ‘Obilimbilimbom’ by Tobi. Although I was always among the great participants in the chat, my concern for my academics was foremost. Entering the school compound to see the brown and yellow painted class blocks made my heart skip a beat; I wonder why this always happened? Even though I always came top of my class each term, I still wondered why the class block setting struck a grip of fear in me; not only on resumption days, Mondays of every academic week was inclusive.

Gboom! Gboom!! Gboom!!! Those were the sound that initiated the problem. I was at the refectory one faithful day having beans when it started, I felt it was my distaste for hot watery beans that made my cardiac cycle run abnormal for that period; I ignored it, ate my food, went to class to continue the days job. Retiring to my bed after following the school’s horarium, down to siesta, I laid down to sleep- eyes closed, silent mind trying to transcend to an unconscious state THEN my heart begins to beat faster than normal, alas my siesta is wasted, I take note of everything that happened.

Days later, I realized that the left side of my chest became bigger than the right; which probably caused my sleepless afternoons. I reported to the nurse at the school’s infirmary. After medical consultation, drug prescription and collection, nothing had effect or let’s say the drug worked for a different course am yet to know. I was cold, a rare one, although it was third term and cold was the weather description of that time reason being that it was rainy season. Imagine putting on four shirts and covering a huge blanket to sleep at noon and night. It wasn’t normal.

I learnt organic chemistry (although not perfectly) at JSS2 while copying from Micheal Orakwe’s note into Ike Ogbonna’s because senior students loved to give the juniors their note to copy for them. I couldn’t wait to get to SS2 and exhibit my ‘knowledge of Organic Chemistry.’ In SS2, during Chemistry class when the topic- Organic Chemistry came up I couldn’t exhibit anything, my cardiac issues would not allowed me, it barred my retentiveness, the pains were so much, I hardly remembered anything. All I remembered was pain! I slept, ate and drank pain - it was terrible and made me academically imbalance. I ended up failing chemistry that term. I couldn’t obtain permission from my principal to go home without concrete proof that I was sick. So, after 3 months of enduring this pain, I visited the hospital, obtained a card, met the doctor after following an orderly queue. The doctor examined me and wrote things I couldn’t read on that big A3 white medical paper embedded in a brown file jacket. Done with his writing, he fixed a date for me; 24 June, 2013, a day after Pentecost. He said I had to see a special doctor, I came to a conclusion within me, Special cases required special doctors.

As a young charismatic student, I decided to cling to prayer. Despite my innumerable friends and best friend, I decided not to give an inkling of the ruckus I was passing through. I visited the Blessed Michael Iwene Tansi chapel more often, rendering my prayer and supplication for healing, believing that healing would arrive soon at my doorstep. With the forthcoming Pentecost day feast, I had faith.

Through rigorous Pentecost prayer and celebration, I left school with my bag packed with enough good wishes for whatever I was going for.

All dressed in white, I got to the hospital; went straight to see the ‘special’ doctor. I wish she had a beautiful face like her accent. Her accent sounded like a mix of American and Spanish. I couldn't tell which but from my guess, she definitely studied abroad. You can't go to school in Ibadan and have such accent. No offense to my Ibadan friends. She pulled out her stethoscope and carefully listened to my heartbeat. She took her time so much I began to think she might just hear the "Jesus Take the Wheel" song I was singing in my heart."Breathe in! Out... In.... Out!" were the only words she spoke to me in ten minutes or so after which, she asked an elderly nurse to run a heart scan on me. Unbuttoned my shirt, pulled my second-hand Jordan Air sneakers I bought from Samuel Amadi after his sister in the United States sent him brand new ones and he needed this pair no more, and socks, and watch, and belt - pretty much everything that could interfere with electromagnetic waves, I laid parallel on the Electrocardiogram thinking of how I would be positioned in my coffin when I die. "God forbid! I shall not die but live..." as my mother would say was what I muttered... I was loud enough to hear myself but i wondered if the the nurse heard me also. The test began and when the results were out, the nurse said ‘my son, are you a child of God?’ I smiled and replied ‘yes of course!’ that question made me think thrice if was a true child of God; she made me feel like from her view of the scan results my case was a very ‘special’ one. I refused to be emotionally broken down. While sitting down on the visitors sit across the doctor’s desk, I began to imagine the possibility of getting married to a lady who would like to know the anatomy of your body, just like Aunty Mitchell Matilda that jokingly told Felix she would like to run a test on her man to know his complete health status before marriage. I am not afraid, I have faith.

Dr. ‘Nice Accent, as I referred to her as, refused to show me my heart scan results rather she referred me to Federal Staff Hospital, Abuja. While I was leaving, the elderly nurse spoke two words which I carried carefully like eggs, she said ‘be prayerful’ and with a ‘thank you, ma’ to her I vamoosed.

                                                                            ***


Federal Staff Hospital, where the beginning ended. The hospital, a twenty-five minutes drive from home. I arrived there around 9:10am with my dad. We made inquiry about where to run the test written by my ‘special’ doctor, which she described as Excessive Palpitation. The test consultant relayed to us that the test costs fifteen thousand naira.

I was temporarily traumatised. Reasons not for the test bill, but seeing how a child of God is been subjected by a minor case considered major, visiting various hospitals and meeting different doctors. I convinced my dad who insisted that I should allow him pay the money that no amount is too huge for my healthcare. I told him that prayer is the key, I would pray and conquer it. After much persuasion to allow him carry out his parental responsibility..he gave up.



I stand tall as a conqueror this day. Prayer solved all. Am completely healed. My redeemer delivered me.

A 4-DAY VISIT

Firstly, let me express my likeness for President Muhammadu Buhari. I like tourist because am one, people of like nature are known to have affinity for themselves. I foresee more travels within this four years of his tenure and l would like to see his itinerary because God works in mysterious ways, bumping into the President in one of the countries across the waters would be a thing of great joy.

President Muhammadu Buhari’s visit to USA as supposed was for a 4-day visit particularly to seek help in recovering our missing 150 billion dollars from an unknown forest reserve. I wonder how the money would be recovered knowing that Nigerian looters knows how the cover their ends. Would it be through the help of their CIA computer nerds working speedily with computer systems or through the aid of any other intelligence agency or a related body involved in recovery. Baba is a wise man. I appreciate his sense of embracing the modern approach of handling situations, this is why he went to seek help from the U.S.

Now, we know that Africans have a way of granting or making promises of what/things they can’t fulfill. The African pattern is-

1.       Praise

2.       Promise

3.       Help a little

4.       Give excuses

5.       Withdraw

Permit me to explain this pattern.

PRAISE

-          A typical African man who wants to grant or seek a favour would praise you for a while before moving forward to the matter of importance for two reasons-

i.                     To calm your nerves of suspicion

ii.                   To bring in sentiments

If a favour is to be granted the praise given must be for something in return. Sooner or later. That is why President Barrack Obama described Nigeria as the most important and influential country in Sub-Saharan continent. President Obama is a wise African.

PROMISE

Forget the proverb that ‘an unfulfilled promise is a sin’ in Nigeria it doesn’t work that way, remember when your father always promised you a bicycle if you came top in class at the end of the academic term? After hard work to come first, the promise is not fulfilled and the same promise is made next term. Promises are made to show the ‘promisee’ that the ‘promiser’ is most concerned about his/their needs than theirs. President Obama promised to recover the missing funds, added to that to recover looted assets, bring to a halt the escapades of book haram, and to boost the Nigerian military. This is a complete promise- one which must cover the main need and sundry.

HELP A LITTLE

Fulfilling a promise no matter how small the fulfillment might be tells a lot. Its shows seriousness and ability to honour your word. This was the case during President Goodluck Jonathan’s regime where America promised to rescue the missing Chibok school girls. They helped a little by using the drone craft to carry out surveillance in Sambisa forest. The rest is a long story. This little help was still rendered by an African- Obama.

GIVE EXCUSES

Sometimes is just an excuse, other times it’s a chain of excuses. When America was unable to fulfill the full promise they gave excuses how top Nigerians stood in the way of rescuing the Chibok girls and lots more. Excuses are part of some human’s nature to evade the chagrin from the person(s) we want to please.

WITHDRAW

Those in charge of ensuring that the assistance is being rendered begin to withdraw from carrying out their duty and at a snap of a finger all the foreign aid return to their motherland. At the end of everything they make it seem like and unplanned promise which slipped their mouth.

 We do know that Nigeria is the King Kong of Africa(mind you in Africa apes are kings to lions) and if America decides to aid Nigeria, Nigeria would aid them too. Directly or indirectly.

The first thought which comes to mind is the Gay legalization which president Buhari has clearly refused by re-enacting the gay bill of 14years imprisonment. I knew that PMB would not accept the gay legalization act for reasons that he is disciplined and a conc. Muslim. Femi Adesina said that PMB was ‘pointblank’ saying that sodomy is against Nigerian law.

Being pointblank. President Buhari is forward and he has made this known to President Obama and his citizens. I like the way he does it(the pointblank moment)- sits clamly, grins with his cycle-like nerd glasses and spill the words.

I appreciate this effort made by our President. I hope the funds are recovered and ‘corruptionists’ are prosecuted and other stolen money are recovered too. If America wants to help do this, it has to be done in an African-American way.

PS- the way President Buhari was speaking fast and fluently while he was articulating his speech needs a laudable commendation and I give it to him. He truly understands that ‘if you are in Rome, you behave like a Roman.’

30 MINUTES OF MISBEHAVIOUR

Let me begin with a definition for purpose of clarification. A period of misbehaviour is a reversed sensible period where abnormal (at that moment) seems like the legal and only accepted way of behaving. These cycle of misbehaviour occurs either in group or individually. These abnormalities would be treated squarely. Group misbehaviour is initiated when participants have similar reverse mental reaction; the individual type, very exciting, it is enjoyable and it sometimes give an impulse to capture the moment, but for the sake of privacy the impulse is defiled.

The feeling doesn’t bring in age- young or old, small or big, everyone is involved. it is contagious based on the group stage.

As a child, I grew up with the mentality that parent in general had no flaws. A perfect life without any anomaly. Watching 9pm news with my dad at the age of 7, I heard a sound from where dad sat and questioned him about the sound, he said that it was a croaking sound from a toad inside the sofa. I believed him hook, line and sinker. At that point he was misbehaving in public. At a later time I realised that he was misbehaving so I said to myself "if dad could do such who am I?"

One general form of misbehaviour- Picking the nose. In public it is a soft pick; in private you pick as if you are a miner digging for gold, which eventually causes nasal expansion. The dismal part of this aspect is, some people create a cataclysm to their public status. How? In church I once saw a guy whom during the readings picked his nose, used same index finger to scratch inside his ear, thereby transferring germs to both organs simultaneously. So disgusting! But it didn’t seem so to him, it was the ‘rightest’ thing to do at that period.

The group misbehaviour is triggered by the kingpins of the group who makes every other member to see sense in the abnormal behaviour. This act is normally disastrous, sometimes mob action, gang robbery, gang rape, it makes them proud, making  them feel that they can express themselves behaviourally in a free way, not minding the place. When I was a JSS3 boarding student, SS2 students exhibited this group psychology of madness by nabbing twelve pots of food, one for each of soldier. After consumption, they slept like masons that had a long burdensome day. They woke up the next day to huge bills handed to them by the principal, to pay for the delinquency which affected other students.

Misbehaviour makes one feel free and happy, although not always. It makes one feel at home even when not at home. Mental balance sometimes has to go down on the equilibrium scale, for imbalance to be up to show one the abnormal side of normality.

N.B- Misbehaving within thirty minutes might not take place at a stretch, but the amount of time must be completed irrespective of the interval before completion.

MY 2015 HAJJ

Hajj, one of the greatest Islamic religious observance for Muslims all over the world, which comes up annually is here again. As usual Nigerian Muslims would surely be participating in this year’s hajj, and as we know ‘awoof dey run belle;’ that is when you frequently enjoy the awoof. It seems this year the Nigerian government wants to put sand-sand in the garri of the Islamic faithfuls going on pilgrimage.

Trending on twitter in Nigeria two days back was #NoToOldPlanes4Hajj, where users aired their views about the ‘suspected’ plane which would be used to fly pilgrims to mecca in Saudi Arabia.

This annual pilgrimage which I haven’t been a participant but happen to know that it is sponsored at the three governmental levels- federal, state and local government. As Nigerians we are supposed to be wise enough to know that there is nothing like a free lunch, even if there is, an indirect payment will be made sooner or later. Same thing as this boon granted by the Nigerian government, a free flight ticket equals more than a decade old scrubby plane as long as it can push its passengers to Saudi.

On the side of the pilgrims, that should be changed for so many reasons-

I. This may not sound nice, but a plane crash is the foremost negative thought that comes to mind in matters like this; God forbid that a plane crash occurs. We would like to see our Alhajis in their neatly ironed and starched white kaftan, palm slippers and hula, Hajiyas with their beautiful wrappers, bubas, hijab and dangling jewelries. Our yaras too are inclusive- the boys have to be available to show off their oversize polo, packet shirts and T-shirts to match with their Cabo-Snoop like trouser; the girls need to look religiously good with their hijab and laali on their hands and feet.

II. Within this thirty days of 5am-6pm fasting and prayer, you won’t want to be inside a stuffed plane filled with loquacious people talking about diversified issues, which might end up making you nauseous. Surely our government won’t want to land sick persons into a foreign country.

III. A good flight sometimes determines the outcome of things in the country you are flying to. We do not want a situation where Nigerian would be misrepresented abroad while on pilgrimage, thereby making headlines on every Newspaper, electronic and broadcast media worldwide; like- A NIGERIAN FOUND IN SAUDI ARABIA RUNNING NAKED. That would be a national and religious disgrace.

The government should look into this situation and handle it aptly, if not for any reason to, protect her citizens and give them a wonderful hajj.

With Desmond’s law of pilgrimage I leave the stage- provided that the individual and national status is kept constant in a country of frequent travel daily, monthly or annually. The amount of travellers must be directly proportional to a standard aircraft and the amount of planes must be inversely proportional to the amount of travellers.

MY CONCERN FOR THE DEVIL

Firstly, I would like to capitalize the first alphabet of his first name, popularly known as Devil. His angelic name Lucifer would be less used. Secondly, I am not in any way a Satanist or as some people may call it ‘satanoid.’ I feel very concerned about a disturbing issue, which is tarnishing an albeit less-loved creature that is popularly known as a demoniac that is entitled to his human right. That is where I come in place to defend his ‘reputation, dignity and human right.’

The infamy heaped upon the devil is over-exaggerated. Christians call him the ‘accuser of brethren,’ which is true but he is made more like the ‘causative agent’ of all sins, crimes and ungodly activities. 'The devil made me do it, it’s the devil, it is the handiwork of the devil, the devil suppressed me;' these are the false accusations Lucifer faces from the mouth of brethrens. I begin to wonder if the devils now exist in flesh and blood, either as male or female with or without a pair of horn, dark or fair in complexion.

A man is seen driving his official car at the speed of 220kilometers per hour on a single lane road; he collides with another car, and after recovery when questioned by the administrative department of his company about the cause of the collision, He begins to accuse the devil. Was the devil in charge of the throttle, break pad and clutch while he (the driver) was in charge of the steering and hand gear?

Before the libel (a vocal one) is placed on the devil, the following should have been thoroughly screened before staining his name and degrading his reputation; because degrading an evil person may result in evil.

· Urge

Popularly known as desire. The driving force attached to desire is more than a million Newtons, the devil doesn’t plant the urge seed and nurture it into execution. It comes from colours accommodated into the eyes, thoughts from the head, desires of the heart and the state of mind. When the urge sets in, which is the first and fundamental necessity for any form of malevolence, gratification begins at its first stage.

· Plan

A smart evil doer knows that failure to plan is equal to planning to fail; reason why the devil receives the accusations and blame once they are rounded up. The desire is structured for effective execution using a powerful internal application- the brain. This plan is designed so professionally without the devil’s consent that when he (Lucifer) sees the result he would marvel.

N.B: as all these go on the devil is absent. His consent wasn’t sort nor did he try to put in his hands to render help.

· Decision

The case gets settled at this level. God gave man the ability to choose between right and wrong without placing the Devil in any position of partaking in the choice process, the decision is made wholeheartedly and allegations is pushed to the Devil. What a pity!

· Execution and Result

Just like the computer program or a task is executed, this malevolent act is given a ‘run command’ which is carried out and a positive-negative output is seen. This is where the Devil’s name and consent is brought in after being absent all through. Why is he involved in the last stage only? Is he a co-executioner?

Thou should not call the name of the evil one in vain. The Devil’s name should be respected despite his evil nature; some happenings are not Devil oriented. An appropriate amount of obeisance should be given to this creature without sentiments.

I belong to everybody.

One love.

JE SUIS CAITLYN

I want to begin using my personal J(for judgement) from an African angle, more like the way a typical Nigerian woman would judge a related a case. When a man does somethings, he is considered behaving like a woman or less a man, which is not accepted in the Nigerian setting where a man is seen as a Demi-God and the women as members of purgatory. This mentality tries to keep every Nigerian Man in proper sense shape.

The Kardashian lovers and the ‘keeping up with the Kardashian’ fans would be giving a yay or nay to Caitlyn Jenner; for those that watched the early series of KUWTK programme where Bruce Jenner(formerly) began to stare in, would diagnose that dust of a reasonable amount was resting on his motherboard. He began by using quite a huge sum of money to purchase toys, especially remote controlled helicopters with motors that enabled it fly, Kris was against this and took a step by seizing his credit cards. I do not blame him much for this display of attitude for two reasons-

1. Sometimes one needs to be abnormal in behavior, what I call the ‘’period of misbehavior’’; breaking from the norm to ease some burden or calm some nerves, or trying to feel young once again.

2. Maybe Caitlyn watched a repeat broadcast of an African documentary which contained scenes of black bare chested children flying kites in the air. Some behaviors have a captivating force.

There’s an Igbo saying that ‘okwu nee gbuto okwu’ which translates thus ‘’talk begets talk.’’ He, sorry she I mean, advanced from toys to serious toys by hoarding lingeries of a female family members i.e Kim.

I respect human rights personally. They have been much cases of transgender without much noise, maybe because the most famous athlete in the ‘90’s to win a gold medal in a cardiovascular event, decided to retire and take up womanhood. Although he has a feminine look but still possess the soul of a man; talking as an animist. He stands out as one of the most famous transgender trending on twitter and website searches, also getting a million twitter followers in four hours, awards are awaiting her and commendations are coming in too. Caitlyn looks good from my perspective, judging from the storm-causing cover shot for Vanity Fair Magazine.

Questions run through my mind on his behalf

- Would she be a mummy?

- Would she be able to handle pregnancy? If yes can he stand 57del of pain in the labour room?

- Would his grandkids call her grandma or stick to grandpa?

- Those who support him especially the family relatives, is the support 100% genuine from the heart?

I believe that everyone has the power of choice, without bringing religion. She has chosen her path and she should be permitted to live her life because the miracle/damage has taken effect. Anger would only rise, some faces would beam with supportive smiles, mouths would talk and get weak but it still comes to the factum that he is now a she.

Call her Caitlyn.

She is Caitlyn.