THE BISHOP'S REPLY

Read the sequel to this story HERE


Dear Adrian Danbaba,

Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ in whom all things are made perfect. I pray that his unceasing grace would exude in you and your faith in him would remain unshaking.

In reply to your letter seeking judgement and intervention which I stumbled upon recently, I write to you.

I wish to appreciate your contributive efforts firstly to the church. Multi- tasking between building your faith in Christ and taking weekly record of donations, offerings and thanksgiving, balanced calculations with figures. Being in your situation I would have done something akin. I must commend you; as the growth of the church has room in your heart.

Funds generated from the whole bazaar offerings, donations, seed sowings, thanksgivings, bazaar purchases and sponsorship are sent to me on the percentage level-75. The parish is left with little or nothing-25%. Money collected is sent to the Holy See, to our Vicar, our father in faith, the Pope and financial report is given to him during bishop’s annual visit to the Vatican. It is used for Catholic mission to support the less privileged worldwide.

Within the 75% fund, vocations are catered for. The archdiocesan seminarians are being trained as property of the archdiocese –fees, boarding, feeding, tuition is being paid for by the archdiocese leaving them to buy their books. A seminarian is important to us as he comes out a priest to contribute immensely to the growth of the church.

Nota Bene: this money is collected from all parishes. The deanery brings it as a head, presenting the target given and target met.

Catholic students are trained in our various universities – Caritas, Veritas. If information was passed in your parish, scholarships are on for Catholic students at the Veritas university. Caritas means love and that is what the church has for its body- you and I. The training of these students is linked to the 75%. These are few things which the collections are used by the archdiocese for.


Liturgy which is the priestly office of Jesus Christ consisting of the head (Jesus) and its body (the church) follows a pattern which cannot be broken. There is no obstruction in the liturgical process. Reasons why the Roman Catholic Church is the second world most organized body.

Obstructing the church’s pattern was barbaric. The indefinite ex-communication incurred resulted from misconduct and temperament of your parish priest. Issues about your ex-communication would be discussed and pardon would granted you. Presenting your record overtly was OK but would have been done with the P.P’s permission as he has jurisdiction in the parish where he oversees affairs.

With a good financial skill I postulate that you render assistance to the church through the parish pastorial council to work as the parish treasurer. I have certitude that with you the parish is in safe hands financially.

May the blessings of the Lord Jesus Christ dwell and remain in you forever and ever Amen.


Your Bishop,

His Lordship Otinkpu Bonaventure.

HOW I REACT TO THE BUTT ISSUE

This issue has to be addressed and necessary actions taken against the perpetrators, immediately after reading this piece. I have never liked gays and acts relating to it. This negative trend has annoyed me to the zenith that I feel awareness should be created and preventive measures taken to stop this.

The Igbo men salute themselves with the back of their hands hitting each other three times. The Hausas; a formal handshake, the Yourbas; the popular protruding on the floor. This culture, tradition still exists to the modern world.

A man who is considered a Sir/Bros after a proper handshake, laughs loud while chatting with you, hit/taps your butt with his Goliath-like hand and thinks all is well in the end. I consider it inept. It makes me look at such persons as gays or they simply gain satisfaction from that act. They are tactless. I wonder the amount of temerity they possess to hit their fellow guy’s butt. Is it as attractive as that of a female? How many milligrams of adrenaline pushes him into that action?

Most annoying is the continuous hit in future meetings. Same sex friendship is meant to be cordial without sending a wrong signal to the other party. An aspersion is not what one would want.

To stop this daft act of public funny friendly sexual molestation; use this steps:

1. After the initial handshake, keep hold to his hand, keep guard of your back side lest the prey strikes.

2. If he strikes; grab him by the arm so tight with your poker face, look him deep in the eyes and say "Sir/Bros, do me a favour please gerrara here."

I DECLARE MY ASSETS

I plan to be big someday. Even if I don’t become the president, I believe I am the future of tomorrow as talked by my primary school teachers. If I end up as the minister of petroleum resources, I will just manage it. Before I rise to that apogee in the nearest, it is wise that I declare my humble beginnings now to avoid side comments and trends on twitter in time to come about my possession.

Following the recent declaration by Baba, I feel that I have to declare my own assets because I consider myself a public figure owing that I am CEO of TalkofTalks. We have to emulate good things like this. Let’s begin from here.

Here is a detailed list of my assets.

1. My Books- #30,000

Excluding those that I lent and gifted out over a long time till now and including those I borrowed that am yet to read and those I borrowed that am yet to read and those which I converted disobeying the 9th commandment. Lord forgive me.

2.My Bat and Power Bank- #50,000

My bat is my Blackberry Z10. The name is derived from the processor speed it possesses. It helps me get my source materials to prepare articles, its Text-To-Speech (TTS) helps me read a lot of articles, my mails and transactions are processed specially by “him.” I love you Bat. I really do.

3. My Eco Bank Account- #1,250

This is my ledger balance. The bank is fist handed with my own money reason why there is still a thousand among the digits. I hope that this amount increases over the month from those little calculated percentages dropped into the customer’s account.
Hurray! As of when this article was written I got an alert. God win. So, total balance becomes #7,750.

4. Shoes- #34,700

I know that my shoe collection is way less than a pair of shoe (some(few)) like an Italian Skin Brogue. Not to worry, this asset increases by my earning. I hope to acquire more shoes like a Timberland Earthkeeper Brogues, Balenciagas, 2015 Air Jordans, Clarks, Tods, customized slip-on shoe amongst others. So that as a minister I would have a good shoe rack/wardrobe.

5. Art Works- #50,000

Yes! For those who don’t know, I draw. Animations, portraits, cartoons and sorts. Some of my works are on Instagram @deksmond, click here to view. All works posted and unposted is worth that amount. Click and testify.

6. Blog- #Unknown

This is a forte to me. I am yet to value the site and give a figure of its worth. I would value the articles, fans and visitors, aesthetics. When I come up with the actual value I would give an update. If the valuing gets tedious, I hope to get a site valuer.

Presently, no goats, rams, bulls, poultry, farm or company(ies)


Finally, I can’t give a total sum now because if I do, my oga at the top might bless me with more, then my head would jam trying to balance figures. That’s all.

My dear friends, members of TalkofTalks, this are my humble possessions. We hope to acquire more in time to come. Stay tuned.

SYNONYMS

Contracts are big deals in Nigeria, especially the government approved ones, because it favours both sides- the Contractor and the Contracted.

- The Contractor

This is the body giving out the contract for bidders to submit proposals to get the contract; they are the highest earners. They make the budget allocated for the contract and the actual amount used for execution to look alike. They are good mathematicians.

- The Contracted

The receiving body. They are the executioners, whom after the hustle and bustle of preparing a fine convincing proposal receives the contract. They are medium earners. Each contract gets them elated because it paves way for more contracts. They are smart people.

It is not good to visit the past- people, happenings or things, because I believe in the “forward ever backward never” slogan of my Governor Mu’azu Babangida Aliyu. But, in this case, we have to go backward before we thrust forward.

Lagos State is known to be an independent economy in Nigeria; its rapid development has drawn laudable commendation from so many people, of which all acknowledgements go to Babatunde Raji Fashola(BRF), the former Lagos State Governor. These developments include roads, power and energy, health care and other amenities.

The 11th hour always poses a threat caused either by you or haters of your progress; this is Governor Fashola’s situation.


It was alledged that the former Governor of Lagos State, used seventy-eight million naira (N78m) and one-hundred and thirty-nine million naira (N139m) out of the budget allocated to the State to build a website and to drill two boreholes respectively. Let me start with the website- tundefashola.com, Fashola is a digital man. Men like him can speed the rate of digital advancement in the country if given the presidential position come 2019. Let me explain-

-The site amongst other features contains an online video chat feature, to discuss with the ex-governor. Nigerians need anything that will give them a clear view of the government. It would serve as a transparent mechanism for the citizens to defend the government if criticised by foreigners.

-Past, present and future projects detailed to the last are available for visitors to read and appreciate his works. This is a great amount of transparency. Nigerians in diaspora and home base citizens that don’t reside in Lagos won't be left out, as they would also see pictures and appreciate his efforts.

What bothers me, Lagosians and other Nigerians is the amount allocated among the past projects for building the website. Seventy-eight million naira (N78m). Lets observe seventy eight seconds of silence. According to Info Access Plus, the company which built and upgraded the website, gave a financial statement that the amount collected for the services rendered was ten million naira (N10m) which implies that sixty eight million naira (N68m) is left or is tagged as “extra expenditure.” The website was built by expert designers and I figured that it wouldn’t have amounted more than twenty million (20m). It means that that 68 million has been used to build websites in their pockets and stomachs.

Why would a website meant for the state bear a private name? Although, the site is meant to serve as a medium to show his stewardship to his state, I think it is suppose to carry a general URL so he can handover to Governor Akinwumi Ambode one day to enable the Governor to also display his own stewardship which is in progress. The URL tundefashola.com makes me to think that the name Lagos and Tunde Fashola are similar either in meaning, phonetic sound or history. The Governor must have thought it over before approving the URL. Fashola is a wise man; it takes a wise man to do wise things like equating your name to the state’s name.

Boreholes are long lasting, very expensive to drill and maintain. I believe the money was well spent.

The present Lagos government should try to reconcile some things as part of their year’s project-

1. 78, 68 and 10 million naira should be carefully calculated and the balance should be used to appreciate the citizens. Airtime vouchers should be sent to frequent visitors of the site, humanitarian services should be appreciated from the website’s balance.

2. Historians should be employed to look into the history and relationship between the name Lagos and Tunde Fashola, as it would serve as a determinant to why such permission was granted.

I hope this website serves its purpose and the boreholes pump fresh water. Peace.

MY REDEMPTORIS- A FICTION

Holding and looking at the various hospital bills, receipts, test results and prescriptions, it puts a smile on my face; I decide(d) finally to go down memory lane of my health issues which posed a threat to my life for a considerable period of time.

5th January, 2013, we all resumed school with much stories to tell about our various holiday escapades –truth(s) and lies, it all made a good chat. Some students introduced new slangs and made it trend all through the term and next like BlackMagic’s ‘E easy O’ brought by Eva, ‘Obilimbilimbom’ by Tobi. Although I was always among the great participants in the chat, my concern for my academics was foremost. Entering the school compound to see the brown and yellow painted class blocks made my heart skip a beat; I wonder why this always happened? Even though I always came top of my class each term, I still wondered why the class block setting struck a grip of fear in me; not only on resumption days, Mondays of every academic week was inclusive.

Gboom! Gboom!! Gboom!!! Those were the sound that initiated the problem. I was at the refectory one faithful day having beans when it started, I felt it was my distaste for hot watery beans that made my cardiac cycle run abnormal for that period; I ignored it, ate my food, went to class to continue the days job. Retiring to my bed after following the school’s horarium, down to siesta, I laid down to sleep- eyes closed, silent mind trying to transcend to an unconscious state THEN my heart begins to beat faster than normal, alas my siesta is wasted, I take note of everything that happened.

Days later, I realized that the left side of my chest became bigger than the right; which probably caused my sleepless afternoons. I reported to the nurse at the school’s infirmary. After medical consultation, drug prescription and collection, nothing had effect or let’s say the drug worked for a different course am yet to know. I was cold, a rare one, although it was third term and cold was the weather description of that time reason being that it was rainy season. Imagine putting on four shirts and covering a huge blanket to sleep at noon and night. It wasn’t normal.

I learnt organic chemistry (although not perfectly) at JSS2 while copying from Micheal Orakwe’s note into Ike Ogbonna’s because senior students loved to give the juniors their note to copy for them. I couldn’t wait to get to SS2 and exhibit my ‘knowledge of Organic Chemistry.’ In SS2, during Chemistry class when the topic- Organic Chemistry came up I couldn’t exhibit anything, my cardiac issues would not allowed me, it barred my retentiveness, the pains were so much, I hardly remembered anything. All I remembered was pain! I slept, ate and drank pain - it was terrible and made me academically imbalance. I ended up failing chemistry that term. I couldn’t obtain permission from my principal to go home without concrete proof that I was sick. So, after 3 months of enduring this pain, I visited the hospital, obtained a card, met the doctor after following an orderly queue. The doctor examined me and wrote things I couldn’t read on that big A3 white medical paper embedded in a brown file jacket. Done with his writing, he fixed a date for me; 24 June, 2013, a day after Pentecost. He said I had to see a special doctor, I came to a conclusion within me, Special cases required special doctors.

As a young charismatic student, I decided to cling to prayer. Despite my innumerable friends and best friend, I decided not to give an inkling of the ruckus I was passing through. I visited the Blessed Michael Iwene Tansi chapel more often, rendering my prayer and supplication for healing, believing that healing would arrive soon at my doorstep. With the forthcoming Pentecost day feast, I had faith.

Through rigorous Pentecost prayer and celebration, I left school with my bag packed with enough good wishes for whatever I was going for.

All dressed in white, I got to the hospital; went straight to see the ‘special’ doctor. I wish she had a beautiful face like her accent. Her accent sounded like a mix of American and Spanish. I couldn't tell which but from my guess, she definitely studied abroad. You can't go to school in Ibadan and have such accent. No offense to my Ibadan friends. She pulled out her stethoscope and carefully listened to my heartbeat. She took her time so much I began to think she might just hear the "Jesus Take the Wheel" song I was singing in my heart."Breathe in! Out... In.... Out!" were the only words she spoke to me in ten minutes or so after which, she asked an elderly nurse to run a heart scan on me. Unbuttoned my shirt, pulled my second-hand Jordan Air sneakers I bought from Samuel Amadi after his sister in the United States sent him brand new ones and he needed this pair no more, and socks, and watch, and belt - pretty much everything that could interfere with electromagnetic waves, I laid parallel on the Electrocardiogram thinking of how I would be positioned in my coffin when I die. "God forbid! I shall not die but live..." as my mother would say was what I muttered... I was loud enough to hear myself but i wondered if the the nurse heard me also. The test began and when the results were out, the nurse said ‘my son, are you a child of God?’ I smiled and replied ‘yes of course!’ that question made me think thrice if was a true child of God; she made me feel like from her view of the scan results my case was a very ‘special’ one. I refused to be emotionally broken down. While sitting down on the visitors sit across the doctor’s desk, I began to imagine the possibility of getting married to a lady who would like to know the anatomy of your body, just like Aunty Mitchell Matilda that jokingly told Felix she would like to run a test on her man to know his complete health status before marriage. I am not afraid, I have faith.

Dr. ‘Nice Accent, as I referred to her as, refused to show me my heart scan results rather she referred me to Federal Staff Hospital, Abuja. While I was leaving, the elderly nurse spoke two words which I carried carefully like eggs, she said ‘be prayerful’ and with a ‘thank you, ma’ to her I vamoosed.

                                                                            ***


Federal Staff Hospital, where the beginning ended. The hospital, a twenty-five minutes drive from home. I arrived there around 9:10am with my dad. We made inquiry about where to run the test written by my ‘special’ doctor, which she described as Excessive Palpitation. The test consultant relayed to us that the test costs fifteen thousand naira.

I was temporarily traumatised. Reasons not for the test bill, but seeing how a child of God is been subjected by a minor case considered major, visiting various hospitals and meeting different doctors. I convinced my dad who insisted that I should allow him pay the money that no amount is too huge for my healthcare. I told him that prayer is the key, I would pray and conquer it. After much persuasion to allow him carry out his parental responsibility..he gave up.



I stand tall as a conqueror this day. Prayer solved all. Am completely healed. My redeemer delivered me.

A 4-DAY VISIT

Firstly, let me express my likeness for President Muhammadu Buhari. I like tourist because am one, people of like nature are known to have affinity for themselves. I foresee more travels within this four years of his tenure and l would like to see his itinerary because God works in mysterious ways, bumping into the President in one of the countries across the waters would be a thing of great joy.

President Muhammadu Buhari’s visit to USA as supposed was for a 4-day visit particularly to seek help in recovering our missing 150 billion dollars from an unknown forest reserve. I wonder how the money would be recovered knowing that Nigerian looters knows how the cover their ends. Would it be through the help of their CIA computer nerds working speedily with computer systems or through the aid of any other intelligence agency or a related body involved in recovery. Baba is a wise man. I appreciate his sense of embracing the modern approach of handling situations, this is why he went to seek help from the U.S.

Now, we know that Africans have a way of granting or making promises of what/things they can’t fulfill. The African pattern is-

1.       Praise

2.       Promise

3.       Help a little

4.       Give excuses

5.       Withdraw

Permit me to explain this pattern.

PRAISE

-          A typical African man who wants to grant or seek a favour would praise you for a while before moving forward to the matter of importance for two reasons-

i.                     To calm your nerves of suspicion

ii.                   To bring in sentiments

If a favour is to be granted the praise given must be for something in return. Sooner or later. That is why President Barrack Obama described Nigeria as the most important and influential country in Sub-Saharan continent. President Obama is a wise African.

PROMISE

Forget the proverb that ‘an unfulfilled promise is a sin’ in Nigeria it doesn’t work that way, remember when your father always promised you a bicycle if you came top in class at the end of the academic term? After hard work to come first, the promise is not fulfilled and the same promise is made next term. Promises are made to show the ‘promisee’ that the ‘promiser’ is most concerned about his/their needs than theirs. President Obama promised to recover the missing funds, added to that to recover looted assets, bring to a halt the escapades of book haram, and to boost the Nigerian military. This is a complete promise- one which must cover the main need and sundry.

HELP A LITTLE

Fulfilling a promise no matter how small the fulfillment might be tells a lot. Its shows seriousness and ability to honour your word. This was the case during President Goodluck Jonathan’s regime where America promised to rescue the missing Chibok school girls. They helped a little by using the drone craft to carry out surveillance in Sambisa forest. The rest is a long story. This little help was still rendered by an African- Obama.

GIVE EXCUSES

Sometimes is just an excuse, other times it’s a chain of excuses. When America was unable to fulfill the full promise they gave excuses how top Nigerians stood in the way of rescuing the Chibok girls and lots more. Excuses are part of some human’s nature to evade the chagrin from the person(s) we want to please.

WITHDRAW

Those in charge of ensuring that the assistance is being rendered begin to withdraw from carrying out their duty and at a snap of a finger all the foreign aid return to their motherland. At the end of everything they make it seem like and unplanned promise which slipped their mouth.

 We do know that Nigeria is the King Kong of Africa(mind you in Africa apes are kings to lions) and if America decides to aid Nigeria, Nigeria would aid them too. Directly or indirectly.

The first thought which comes to mind is the Gay legalization which president Buhari has clearly refused by re-enacting the gay bill of 14years imprisonment. I knew that PMB would not accept the gay legalization act for reasons that he is disciplined and a conc. Muslim. Femi Adesina said that PMB was ‘pointblank’ saying that sodomy is against Nigerian law.

Being pointblank. President Buhari is forward and he has made this known to President Obama and his citizens. I like the way he does it(the pointblank moment)- sits clamly, grins with his cycle-like nerd glasses and spill the words.

I appreciate this effort made by our President. I hope the funds are recovered and ‘corruptionists’ are prosecuted and other stolen money are recovered too. If America wants to help do this, it has to be done in an African-American way.

PS- the way President Buhari was speaking fast and fluently while he was articulating his speech needs a laudable commendation and I give it to him. He truly understands that ‘if you are in Rome, you behave like a Roman.’

30 MINUTES OF MISBEHAVIOUR

Let me begin with a definition for purpose of clarification. A period of misbehaviour is a reversed sensible period where abnormal (at that moment) seems like the legal and only accepted way of behaving. These cycle of misbehaviour occurs either in group or individually. These abnormalities would be treated squarely. Group misbehaviour is initiated when participants have similar reverse mental reaction; the individual type, very exciting, it is enjoyable and it sometimes give an impulse to capture the moment, but for the sake of privacy the impulse is defiled.

The feeling doesn’t bring in age- young or old, small or big, everyone is involved. it is contagious based on the group stage.

As a child, I grew up with the mentality that parent in general had no flaws. A perfect life without any anomaly. Watching 9pm news with my dad at the age of 7, I heard a sound from where dad sat and questioned him about the sound, he said that it was a croaking sound from a toad inside the sofa. I believed him hook, line and sinker. At that point he was misbehaving in public. At a later time I realised that he was misbehaving so I said to myself "if dad could do such who am I?"

One general form of misbehaviour- Picking the nose. In public it is a soft pick; in private you pick as if you are a miner digging for gold, which eventually causes nasal expansion. The dismal part of this aspect is, some people create a cataclysm to their public status. How? In church I once saw a guy whom during the readings picked his nose, used same index finger to scratch inside his ear, thereby transferring germs to both organs simultaneously. So disgusting! But it didn’t seem so to him, it was the ‘rightest’ thing to do at that period.

The group misbehaviour is triggered by the kingpins of the group who makes every other member to see sense in the abnormal behaviour. This act is normally disastrous, sometimes mob action, gang robbery, gang rape, it makes them proud, making  them feel that they can express themselves behaviourally in a free way, not minding the place. When I was a JSS3 boarding student, SS2 students exhibited this group psychology of madness by nabbing twelve pots of food, one for each of soldier. After consumption, they slept like masons that had a long burdensome day. They woke up the next day to huge bills handed to them by the principal, to pay for the delinquency which affected other students.

Misbehaviour makes one feel free and happy, although not always. It makes one feel at home even when not at home. Mental balance sometimes has to go down on the equilibrium scale, for imbalance to be up to show one the abnormal side of normality.

N.B- Misbehaving within thirty minutes might not take place at a stretch, but the amount of time must be completed irrespective of the interval before completion.

MY 2015 HAJJ

Hajj, one of the greatest Islamic religious observance for Muslims all over the world, which comes up annually is here again. As usual Nigerian Muslims would surely be participating in this year’s hajj, and as we know ‘awoof dey run belle;’ that is when you frequently enjoy the awoof. It seems this year the Nigerian government wants to put sand-sand in the garri of the Islamic faithfuls going on pilgrimage.

Trending on twitter in Nigeria two days back was #NoToOldPlanes4Hajj, where users aired their views about the ‘suspected’ plane which would be used to fly pilgrims to mecca in Saudi Arabia.

This annual pilgrimage which I haven’t been a participant but happen to know that it is sponsored at the three governmental levels- federal, state and local government. As Nigerians we are supposed to be wise enough to know that there is nothing like a free lunch, even if there is, an indirect payment will be made sooner or later. Same thing as this boon granted by the Nigerian government, a free flight ticket equals more than a decade old scrubby plane as long as it can push its passengers to Saudi.

On the side of the pilgrims, that should be changed for so many reasons-

I. This may not sound nice, but a plane crash is the foremost negative thought that comes to mind in matters like this; God forbid that a plane crash occurs. We would like to see our Alhajis in their neatly ironed and starched white kaftan, palm slippers and hula, Hajiyas with their beautiful wrappers, bubas, hijab and dangling jewelries. Our yaras too are inclusive- the boys have to be available to show off their oversize polo, packet shirts and T-shirts to match with their Cabo-Snoop like trouser; the girls need to look religiously good with their hijab and laali on their hands and feet.

II. Within this thirty days of 5am-6pm fasting and prayer, you won’t want to be inside a stuffed plane filled with loquacious people talking about diversified issues, which might end up making you nauseous. Surely our government won’t want to land sick persons into a foreign country.

III. A good flight sometimes determines the outcome of things in the country you are flying to. We do not want a situation where Nigerian would be misrepresented abroad while on pilgrimage, thereby making headlines on every Newspaper, electronic and broadcast media worldwide; like- A NIGERIAN FOUND IN SAUDI ARABIA RUNNING NAKED. That would be a national and religious disgrace.

The government should look into this situation and handle it aptly, if not for any reason to, protect her citizens and give them a wonderful hajj.

With Desmond’s law of pilgrimage I leave the stage- provided that the individual and national status is kept constant in a country of frequent travel daily, monthly or annually. The amount of travellers must be directly proportional to a standard aircraft and the amount of planes must be inversely proportional to the amount of travellers.

MY CONCERN FOR THE DEVIL

Firstly, I would like to capitalize the first alphabet of his first name, popularly known as Devil. His angelic name Lucifer would be less used. Secondly, I am not in any way a Satanist or as some people may call it ‘satanoid.’ I feel very concerned about a disturbing issue, which is tarnishing an albeit less-loved creature that is popularly known as a demoniac that is entitled to his human right. That is where I come in place to defend his ‘reputation, dignity and human right.’

The infamy heaped upon the devil is over-exaggerated. Christians call him the ‘accuser of brethren,’ which is true but he is made more like the ‘causative agent’ of all sins, crimes and ungodly activities. 'The devil made me do it, it’s the devil, it is the handiwork of the devil, the devil suppressed me;' these are the false accusations Lucifer faces from the mouth of brethrens. I begin to wonder if the devils now exist in flesh and blood, either as male or female with or without a pair of horn, dark or fair in complexion.

A man is seen driving his official car at the speed of 220kilometers per hour on a single lane road; he collides with another car, and after recovery when questioned by the administrative department of his company about the cause of the collision, He begins to accuse the devil. Was the devil in charge of the throttle, break pad and clutch while he (the driver) was in charge of the steering and hand gear?

Before the libel (a vocal one) is placed on the devil, the following should have been thoroughly screened before staining his name and degrading his reputation; because degrading an evil person may result in evil.

· Urge

Popularly known as desire. The driving force attached to desire is more than a million Newtons, the devil doesn’t plant the urge seed and nurture it into execution. It comes from colours accommodated into the eyes, thoughts from the head, desires of the heart and the state of mind. When the urge sets in, which is the first and fundamental necessity for any form of malevolence, gratification begins at its first stage.

· Plan

A smart evil doer knows that failure to plan is equal to planning to fail; reason why the devil receives the accusations and blame once they are rounded up. The desire is structured for effective execution using a powerful internal application- the brain. This plan is designed so professionally without the devil’s consent that when he (Lucifer) sees the result he would marvel.

N.B: as all these go on the devil is absent. His consent wasn’t sort nor did he try to put in his hands to render help.

· Decision

The case gets settled at this level. God gave man the ability to choose between right and wrong without placing the Devil in any position of partaking in the choice process, the decision is made wholeheartedly and allegations is pushed to the Devil. What a pity!

· Execution and Result

Just like the computer program or a task is executed, this malevolent act is given a ‘run command’ which is carried out and a positive-negative output is seen. This is where the Devil’s name and consent is brought in after being absent all through. Why is he involved in the last stage only? Is he a co-executioner?

Thou should not call the name of the evil one in vain. The Devil’s name should be respected despite his evil nature; some happenings are not Devil oriented. An appropriate amount of obeisance should be given to this creature without sentiments.

I belong to everybody.

One love.

JE SUIS CAITLYN

I want to begin using my personal J(for judgement) from an African angle, more like the way a typical Nigerian woman would judge a related a case. When a man does somethings, he is considered behaving like a woman or less a man, which is not accepted in the Nigerian setting where a man is seen as a Demi-God and the women as members of purgatory. This mentality tries to keep every Nigerian Man in proper sense shape.

The Kardashian lovers and the ‘keeping up with the Kardashian’ fans would be giving a yay or nay to Caitlyn Jenner; for those that watched the early series of KUWTK programme where Bruce Jenner(formerly) began to stare in, would diagnose that dust of a reasonable amount was resting on his motherboard. He began by using quite a huge sum of money to purchase toys, especially remote controlled helicopters with motors that enabled it fly, Kris was against this and took a step by seizing his credit cards. I do not blame him much for this display of attitude for two reasons-

1. Sometimes one needs to be abnormal in behavior, what I call the ‘’period of misbehavior’’; breaking from the norm to ease some burden or calm some nerves, or trying to feel young once again.

2. Maybe Caitlyn watched a repeat broadcast of an African documentary which contained scenes of black bare chested children flying kites in the air. Some behaviors have a captivating force.

There’s an Igbo saying that ‘okwu nee gbuto okwu’ which translates thus ‘’talk begets talk.’’ He, sorry she I mean, advanced from toys to serious toys by hoarding lingeries of a female family members i.e Kim.

I respect human rights personally. They have been much cases of transgender without much noise, maybe because the most famous athlete in the ‘90’s to win a gold medal in a cardiovascular event, decided to retire and take up womanhood. Although he has a feminine look but still possess the soul of a man; talking as an animist. He stands out as one of the most famous transgender trending on twitter and website searches, also getting a million twitter followers in four hours, awards are awaiting her and commendations are coming in too. Caitlyn looks good from my perspective, judging from the storm-causing cover shot for Vanity Fair Magazine.

Questions run through my mind on his behalf

- Would she be a mummy?

- Would she be able to handle pregnancy? If yes can he stand 57del of pain in the labour room?

- Would his grandkids call her grandma or stick to grandpa?

- Those who support him especially the family relatives, is the support 100% genuine from the heart?

I believe that everyone has the power of choice, without bringing religion. She has chosen her path and she should be permitted to live her life because the miracle/damage has taken effect. Anger would only rise, some faces would beam with supportive smiles, mouths would talk and get weak but it still comes to the factum that he is now a she.

Call her Caitlyn.

She is Caitlyn.

MAY 27TH'S CHILDREN

On this 7meters high pulpit I stand to say ‘congratulobia’ to all children in Nigeria, Africa and beyond. Children, are most important as we all know that they are the future leaders of tomorrow and Christ made them the criterion for entering his kingdom. All humans are classified as children irrespective of age, as long as they have/had parents above them; so this is a general celebration.

The global age has come to conquer my time; the 90's. In the 90's two empty tins of tomato paste were slit open at one base and a lengthy rope was used to transmit sound waves across a distance, without fore knowledge of what physics was. Back in the days no child had time to watch television broadcast of cartoons and sorts, abandonment of what made children, children. Children engaged in various exciting plays like chinko, ten-ten, kpakpangolo, tyre riding, boriz and moonlight play with other children. All these had a positive impact and wrote a history book of itself in the brain of every child, to tell the children of the present generation. These engagements fostered good relationship among children and enabled kids to fit into new environments.

The children of today are packaged Nigerian children (although some), who do not know or lack basic children ‘playtitude’ and habit. All hours of the clock are spent behind closed doors of their houses, glued to the screen enthusiastically watching movie censored above their age, surfing the net for who knows what, playing Sony playstation and Xbox games. It is so appalling to see Nigerian children unable to speak the basics of 'pidgin' language in a definite proportion in order to communicate with English allergics or illiterates.

Parents play a great role in child upbringing as they too engaged in childish escapade. In this vain, plans have been strategized to restore the lost children values.

The plans:

· A rendezvous for parents would be organized for sensitization and restoration of children values. Rice and Stew would be Very Plenty for participants. This meeting would help parents reminisce about their time and see how they would ensure that their own children have a story to tell and an unspoken expression of smile when they remember. Laws would be enacted on that day and failure to adhere would incur public flogging.

· Every Nigerian state has a government owned school in various cities, with a large hectare of land as the school field, not just for soccer but for playful activities and exercise. Children should be permitted to make use of this field. I oblige parents to grant their children the liberty of association and movement. Their 'horarium' should be adjusted with playtime included after siesta, and assignments time at the field.

N.B- no parent should resist this wave of change being tried to be instilled in their children.

Area, zonal, regional and state competitions would be organized based on local play to improve Nigerian ethics, as this would go a long way. Monetary prizes and awards would be given to winners and participants. This competition would kick start on October 1st, 2015 and become continuous on every significant day in the nations calendar.

I remember all children over the globe suffering either from crisis, poverty, emotional trauma amongst others. My heart goes out to you. I pray and hope that all things will get better.

A proper value for our children equals a proper value for the future.

God bless.

Thank you.

AN ARTICLE TO 12/12/12

I chose this day 15/05/15 to send you this memo because I feel that the numerical rhyming is a bit systematic. I miss you 12/12/12; I really do. I sat down properly sliding past days, weeks, months and years on my phone’s calendar to check when such a unique day in the continuum of time would occur again. As I perused I discovered that this auspicious day is 88 years yet unborn, it will occur on January 1st , 2101 which would be 01/01/01. A new year day coupled with joy and uniqueness I do not descend from the lineage of Methuselah and God promised just 75 years, coupled with my present age to 75, how do I get to experience you again? I am a sanguine but I like to be factual not hoping against hope. The probability of me seeing you once again at that stage of life is 1:100(clearly impossible). I would not want to bother my children, family and relatives to take care of a weak old man; therefore I shall experience you in heaven.

The 12th seconds, 12th minute, 12th hour of 12th (December) 2012 was the last of its kind, were all numerals in my calendar were the same, I was optimistic. I prepared for that day like the second coming of Christ, I designed a mobile picture to mark the day on my social media pages, observed my daily lengthy siesta on the afternoon of that day, all in preparation. The world time zones are not the same so I became friendlier to my radio and I used BBC Nigeria’s time. I mapped out that at that instance of time I would be standing in front of my hostel door facing North under the brightly shinning moon and make a wish. I discovered that I was not the only numerical minded fellow of the day, other students too were enthusiastic, many boyfriends planned to engage their wife-to-be, engaged couples planned to hold their weddings, expectant parents hoped to deliver their baby all on this day. I was mine minded, so I waited.

That moment! Filled with unseen smiles I concluded my wish at the 12th seconds-12th minute-12th hour of the 12th month-12th year in the 21st century added to that a wishing star flashed, carried my wish and move at the speed of light. I made another wish just after midday because the time arrangement was a di-occurance. My both wishes came to pass as expected and I am a proud beneficiary of that everlasting day’s gift, I hold in strong belief that those who joined me in honouring that day received his/her/their wage(s). My wishes came to pass because I did not take 12-12-12 12:12:12 as a fun fact but as actual as it was. The number 12 has many significant meanings such as the 12 apostles of Jesus Christ, the 12 tribes of Judea, 12 gods of Olympus, most common is the 12 hours on the face of a modern crystal quartz clock in which all activities( good or bad, fruitful or not) takes place. The Mayans prophesied that the 12th would be the ‘end of the world’ but it marked the beginning of blessings.

I thank you '12.' I really appreciate all that you have done, I hope to see your next descendant in 88 years to come which I would probably not see. But I promise that as days, weeks, months, and years run after another, your significance would be passed on into the ears of all generations; alive and yet to be born.

Thank you. Until we see again.

THE COLOURFUL WORLD

I do not want to sound like a pastor for the fear of leading people to eat grass or dance worship songs naked redirecting all actions to the holy spirit.

What if I try to convince you that the voidlessness of the earth at its genesis is the proper description of the world. Do you consider arguing with me? Or wish to go garner points and come for a logical debate? Describe the colour of the environment which was your first habitat for the first nine months of your lifetime. Yes! I imagine same thing as you do; The darkness. Although indescribable not until the stage of maturity.

That nine months were basically composed of kicking(to give your mother and the family joy), eating and living in dark comfort.
Finally, am out falling into a cold hand, a whisking breeze, blur colour spectrum more refreshing than my close-to-a-year of lightless experience. That peg served as an insignia on my belly button to tell that I have arrived. I do not recognise its colour.

After all the post birth hospital rites, I go home with my family. The day following is described by an unending inflow of visitors for subsequent days. These visitors come in such amount twice in your life. My eyes are filled with too much colours at my age, they think I can’t see properly or at all, how dumb. Their static reasoning is that my vocal mumbling is legal baby gibberish. I see that my carriers(although countless) are coated with two colours either black or yellow, I discover that I fall in the middle. All these colour fill and disturb my head during my sleep. The nocturnal period seems soothing for me, the best colour. My first colour.

Advancing to the teenage stage of my life, I learn academically how to mix colours and get an end product. This is my stage of mental development, I indulge in deep thinking. What is the constituent of the globe? Eye catching colours that are overrated, which is not given a second thought before acquisition. Does it make the less caring materialist colour blind? As I walk home, to my right, that man feeling he possesses a strong brain just downloaded a carton of 33 export larger beer. Fifty steps away from my left, I hear a hot moaning sound, my conclusion- sexual activity. The district I just passed, those youths smoked hell out of the shisha for highness sake. I do not condemn all these actions. But I ask, what does extravagancy profit? I root all these evil to the devil at the creation phase, his honey-tongue swayed the wisdom seeking first mother Eve, and the story moved on to Adam then to leaf dresses and the recognition of colour and rot.

I get to that stage where I work so hard studying basically for 1,461 days to make a good out of my self and appreciate my parents. My four years is extended by uneven breaks mostly for financial reasons. My story ends at the 3rd year of my academic pursuit. I got battered and killed by a colourful man made material; an automobile. An expensive demi-god like me at a young age and stage.

I get a massive turn up of visitors once again, but in a different mode and state of mind. At birth you get visitors from near, far and wide with an euphoria of joy, visiting happily with beaming smiles and laughter presenting gifts and cuddling you with much love. Congratulatory phone calls on per second basis comes in from those who can’t make it.

The death stage, best described with sour and bitter emotions. Your visitors return with tears, saddened faces. The less caring or emotional visitors seek for drinks(mainly alcoholic) and food, to celebrate a life well spent? Or gone too soon? Leaving before those who brought me. So sad and improper. However I give thanks for all things, firstly for leaving this encompassment of various colours and heading to one of the many mansions built and maintained for my inhabitance and comfort during my arrival as promised by my heavenly father.

I rest in peace. Amen.

*written in remembrance of Master Justine Efenji Oko
Died on the 29th of March, 2015.
In our hearts you will forever dwell.

TIPS ON BECOMING A NIGERIAN MUSICIAN

I read an article about the worst Nigerian hits of 2014. I must say that that was a blast, each song and its artist was properly washed with hypo, rinsed, dried and properly pegged. Nigeria is a place where persons choose blasting beats over meaningful lyrics. Play a meaningless ‘beatful’ song and you would see people standing and dancing to the gallery.

This year, most youngsters aspiring to be musicians would need a proper guideline on how to be rich and famous. So if you are among such category, relax and be attentive to each line. For those who do not intend to be musicians, or who might want to be in time to come; you are at the right spot.

N.B- These tips apply to you whether working under an upcoming music label or working for yourself as the boss and the boy in yourself contain as your studio and comfort house.

- An Active Social Media Account

The globalization/digitalization of the world has certainly entered Nigeria and Nigerians are harnessing its goodness. An aspiring Nigerian musician must have a social media account particularly a Twitter and Instagram account. The twitter account would be used to relay information to fans about upcoming singles or album, also to reply few haters and ‘bad belles’ of your career. The instagram account would be the home for musical moments either a selfie in the studio, a picture with your fellow upcoming artists, or accidentally with a ‘happening’ musician, celebrity or global figure. This will boost your popularity, increase your fans and expose you to record label contracts.

- A Slight meaningful nickname

This venture requires a stage name. You won’t want to bear that your ugly sounding name 'Gbolegbaramoh' as a stage name except you have a nice sounding name like Tosin Martins, Cobhams Asuquo or Timi Dakolo. Learn from your predecessors who beared names like Egberi papa 1 of Bayelsa, OBO, Starboy, Jogodo master. The reason why the stage name needs a little percent of meaning is for entertainment and music interview, if in case the host asks for an insightful meaning of the stage name you bear(although this doesn't occur again) this will tell the world that your musical sense is balanced.

-A Particular Sound at the First Phase of the Song

This comes in when you have earned up to three stars in your popularity rating. This sound would project into the ears of your fans and foes that you are back again. The memory is a very sensitive organ which helps remembrance because Nigerian music lovers won’t forget intro-sounds of contemporary musicians like ‘youndi’, ‘yaga’, ‘otua’, ‘okokobioko.’ Follow the footsteps of these music artists and I bet you will laying your own footsteps too in few years to come.

-A Combination of Traditional and English Words

Cacophony is a necessity in the present day Nigerian music. A song that would get all legs moving and heads oscillating is the modern Nigerian system, where a club hit(hip-hop) is rated #1 over all other genre of music. The music industry is a money well and you do not want to be lagging behind. Make use of the poetic license properly, make men-mens, men-man and so on. Interchange and speak words as you feel and bear in mind that the sky is a stepping stone.

-An Adequate Respect to GOD

Except you were born and brought up abroad for you to 'absentise' God's name in your song. A good thinking Nigerian must remember to give glory to Him who fattens thy purse. Ensure to worship God in a line within the lyrics of your song. If you have up to eight tracks, try to mention his name in four tracks out of eight. It would be a treason to mention your producers name before or after singing then abandon Oluwa's name.

-An Accurate Use of Musical Slangs

During an entertainment or music interview they are words that a Nigerian musician must use. Words like-

i. It was crazy

ii. You know how it is

iii. You know what am saying

iv. It was massive

v. They showed love

These are standard words mostly used by made musicians but it is permissible for an upcoming artist. Chipping these words when articulating your speech/response would tell that you have studied the industry properly before venturing into it.

-A Video that would Display an Enigma Love for Colours, Frontpart of your Shirt(belt exposure) and Twerking Females

The apogee of success of an upcoming musician is having a music video at least one. This will give you the authority to make a King Kong’s roar amongst other upcoming act in the musical jungle. Your music video should look attractive through the environment where the video would be shot. Dress in a colourful pattern to display your fashion sense and tuck in the front section of your shirt to expose your belt(only if it is expensive). The Nigerian music lovers love semi-nudity(it is a real deal) ensure to use attractive video vixens and twerking females in your video to satisfy your fans.

-Dishing out of Names of Trending and Expensive Products

Ferragamo, Versace, Roberto Cavalli, Givenchy, Bugatti, Ferrari, Lamborghini are words you don't want to miss calling in your songs. There are two things you might need to do, either of them-

i. Promise the vixen you are singing to that you would buy her any of the above product

ii. Wear any of the clothing line or use any of the mentioned cars in your music video

Your fans know know that ordinarily you do not own any of such things. Worry not, they will be proud of you when you get it one day



The Bible says that ‘abide by my word and ye shall be saved.’ So I say to you apply these principles, not even Usain St.Leo Bolt can catch you.

THE STIGMA

‘His skin is the freshest I have seen in years since I began my medical profession, he’s so cute.’ These were nurse Kofo’s words to my father at the time of my delivery at Akiliki hospital. My father was so proud of me from the moment of my birth till this day, despite my morbidity.

Things became shabby when I became 19years of age after my Senior School Certificate Examinations (SSCE) at the Comprehensive secondary school; I was the youngest in my class. It all began during a football game, during my after-school holiday; I had an encounter with a pugnacious opponent who threw a couple of punches at me. Although I was restrained by my teammates against vengeance, surprisingly I didn’t feel an ounce of pain from the punches I received. I continued to experience such painless encounter then I informed father after which he took me to the hospital the next day as early 6:00am; Father didn’t joke with our health issues. In 3hours time we met doctor Kankanawa who affirmed that nothing was wrong, that the symptom is related to a man’s maturity. I do realize why such a senseless statement plunged out of his mouth, probably because of the name of the hospital- Duniya hospitals and clinic.

Following the villagers belief in knowledge and scientifical superiority; my father believed the doctor perfectly. Weeks passing, I began to feel pain around my respiratory tract which affected my breathing, a ‘Samson natured being’ like me began to feel feeble like a septuagenarian , I couldn’t see properly during the day, I felt it was owing to excess intake of garri that impaired my vision so I restrained from the consumption of that commodity. I tendered all these troubling issues to father’s feet. I could sense it that he was in a state of pandemonium ranging from economic challenge to keeping his son ill-free.

God be praised! The World Health Organization (WHO) held a three day health sensitization programme within that period in my locality; they conducted free medical check-up for the inhabitants of that area. We were the first to be attended to by the medical consultant, after the introductory rites I explained all the possible symptoms to Dr. Leon Bourgalia, an Italian medical practioner. He began by telling father and I that the infection present in my body system is called Hansen’s disease popularly called and known as Leprosy, my heart doubled-beat I remembered the biblical Syrian army general Naaman, whose case is about to become nascent through me. Dr. Leon said I was infected with paucibacillary leprosy caused by mycobacterium lepromatosis, these names were a mouth-full, I wondered how big they were and their capability to live inside me. He also said that they were linked to Deoxy-Ribonucleic-Acid (DNA) by polymerase chain reaction. Teacher Pinpin, my biology mistress taught us about genes and DNA, my grandparents and parents didn’t exhibit such symptoms nor acquire the disease, so why me?

Dr. Leon told father to take immediate action to counter the disease before 15-30days else the bacteria would manifest in its full stage through skin reaction, he said I needed Dapsone and Rifampicin drugs for 6months intake daily; when father inquired about the price of the drugs- the price ran in a couple of zeros. Father fell into a mental coma. Where would such money emanate from?

I didn’t find Dr. Leon’s analysis incredulous because tests were conducted and he gave explanations based on the result, unlike that of Dr. Kankanawa. My thoughts began to run wild. Unanswerable questions crossed my mind. How can I get an Elisha of my time to prescribe a miracle resulting therapy? Does this disease automatically make me an outcast amongst the community members? How will I locate my Jesus to touch his garment for a turnaround in my health status? Who would buy these drugs for me? Questions I couldn’t answer.

Isolation between me and the Iyaye villagers started. The doctors told father and I that leprosy could be transmitted through respiratory droplets so the villagers pressurized my dad to separate me from the ‘normal’ people. Although it was somewhat invigorating having a spacious hut to myself but the environment was fun-less and friendless. I was an exemplary child in the eyes of most parents in the community; I had the highest amount of friends and behavioural admirers. Presently a ban has been placed by most parents on their children towards drawing close to me, all of these resulting to leprosy.

Finally, am out of the quarantine zone. I feel that I would face more stigma than my previous indoor experience. My instincts never lie. Father told me that elder Kakarapupo(the man with the worst sounding name) sternly suggested that I should be worn a bell round my neck to send a ringing signal across a distance to tell people about the presence of an unclean individual. Father said he got worse statements from the elders when he went to seek for financial aid to purchase my drugs.

I now look older than the old. My hideous sins have caught up with me. My dirty bad looking skin is associated with evil existing in my family. These are harsh words I live with daily, coming from the mouth of the villagers. I ponder each word gently in my heart; my heart is greatly filled with an unquantifiable amount of pain. I have been hoping for my day of redemption. I am less a human in the eyes of others outside my family. Leprosy has caused me this. Will I continue to live like this throughout my stay in this world?

*Written to mark the World Leprosy Day

SHACKLES OF A PSYCHIC - A FICTION

You perceived that she was kolomental, and her frequent psychic behaviour certified your perception. She moved into the estate fifteen months after you came and a kind gesture from you brought the both of you a bit close. Mysteries began to unfold.

Everyday you wonder why blasting noisy sounds of Tiv traditional music emits from her room as early as 6:00am, coupled with her thin out-of-key voice singing along. You had a good intention of advising her about it but feared that she might pick a quarrel; a loud one for that matter, as she has engaged in such countless quarrels with the estate’s security. When you tried once to calm him down to save the situation thinking he was exasperated, he said to you "brother, no vex o but na so she dey behave, she no get sense kpata kpata." Inarguably, knowing that that was the truth, she simply kept a deaf ear to what he said and focused on the main reason of the quarrel. Whenever the security was asked by a new tenant or a visitor about her; if she is mentally and psychologically balanced, he will say in response "choi this question hard me o! cos even me no know the answer."

Sometimes she looked outstanding; mostly on Sundays probably because of church and few times during weekdays. you'll prefer calling her outlandish make-over, make-down because her style was a thousand miles away from make-up despite the time spent. Annoyance and embarrassment filled your heart when you carried out an investigative check and discovered that her blue tank-top and red faded bum shots was her pajamas and her morning wear; she could wear it daily for a week without a single wash.

She loved discussing marriage, boys and relationship matters with you. She got to know most of her male friends through facebook and the under-standard monotechnic she graduated from in Plateau state, also helped to add a little amount of friends to her zone.

She always complained that she is 27 years old, and still has not found her Mr. Right, after series of break-ups with her ex’s. She keeps running back to her ex's with an apology and a sorry face but "NO!" is always the response from the other end because she always triggered the break-up. You ponder everyday if a man can marry such a lady, who can’t live a day without savoring a bottle of coke, fanta or sprite. She walks around the estate yelling at herself each day, and whenever she’s calm she’s either fiddling with her phone or making a phone call to one of her numerous facebook unknown fiends. Worst of it all, she can’t cook! She is a dedicated food purchaser at pophozot restaurant. You realized this when she pleaded for a visit of which you honoured, after savouring a plate of rice with a glass of chilled juice, you requested for more and she replied that it was finished. You understood what was happening, so in appreciation you voiced out ‘thanks.’

She complains about a lot to you; she complained that the president and his vice were always looking and acting dull, that the reverend father’s sermon always made her sleep, that the bottle of coke of now-a-days are not full to the brim, she complained that okada riders could not do simple arithmetic to balance between the distance and cost, so she started paying bike riders at the bank after withdrawing money from the Automated Teller Machine(ATM).

She came to your room shouting and you thought she was infuriated, then she said "good news! I have gotten a job. After all the congratulatory words, you began to see her often at home than before. Indepthly, you knew that the job news was a loud joke. Another time she informed you that she was about rounding-off her make-up school programme, so surprised you scoffed she asked why, and you replied her "nothing," but deep inside you you knew that even if she had the mastery of the trade like Tara Durotayo, no one would keep a face to be made up by her; Probably because of her looks and her loquacious nature.

When the harmattan season was at its inception, you saw her one morning scratching her hair persistently and she said "oh! oh!! oh!!! harmattan done come oo. Na now my madness go come hot o! e no go easy for me at all." This were the final words that confirmed her psychological imbalance. Now you have to tolerate her madness. What are friends for?

AS THE CAMPAIGN BEGINS..

It was wonderful all through yesterday, the 8th of January of the political year, as the presidential campaign of the Peoples Democratic Party(PDP) flagged of at the Tafawa Balewa square in Lagos state, which caused an undescribable traffic gridlock in most parts of the state. The All Progressive Congress(APC) took her campaign to Yenegoa, Bayelsa state which is the Presidents home base, that same day.

The kunu drinking military Fulani and the ogogoro drinking PhD holder both promised everything promiseable, which of course got loud noise from their individual supporters. The President promised job provision for two million youths(pray to be among) when re-elected; that job scarcity and hunt will be an issue of 'before-before.' He also promised development in all governmental and nongovernmental sectors and agencies. It was quite hilarious when he said that those present should go and ask their friends that work in ministries if they haven't been changes. So my people I ask you have they been any?

General Muhamadu Buhari promised Kirikiri prison for all politicians as a reward for corruptionists, while Goodluck ensured a free living for all and gave his assurance in trying by all means to eliminate corruption. Although APC's manifesto contained some facets that sounds enticing but knowing politicians.. (I comment my reserve).

The best part of yesterday's political campaign were the indirect insults showed back and forth between both parties. When Buhari was busy waving his broom and shouting 'A Fi C..?' Goodluck on his own part reminded us that this is not the 1983/1984 time that students qued up all night in order to purchase just two tins of milk, expressing that those times are gone, that Nigerians should vote away backwardness.
Buhari threatened not to appoint women into political offices like the position of the first lady for obvious reasons, that he is a polygamous man and won't want his wives to be overcaring this period in order to acquire a sit at his right hand. Contrary to this, Goodluck assured the women that they would be remembered in his paradise and won't be left only in classrooms as teachers and in the kitchen as perpetual home cooks and cleaners.

APC musicians were so religious by remixing the popular 'heavenly race' song by chanting 'Buhari race we no go tire, we no go tire!!' Then I saw Buhari heading to the pulpit with a walking stick and I tried to correlate being tired and the use of a walking stick. While he was speaking I liked the continous pronunciation of 'return' as 'retaarn' and 'country' as 'kantry.' I hope 'if' he becomes the President we would have a linguist at the top that would give a daily proper pronunciation of words for all citizens to learn from. I also tried to carry out a population study on the amazing turn up of people at APCs campaign owing to the fact that it is the President's own zone; those (some) which the video camera captured their faces didnt look much like Bayelsans to me but more like northerners. I dont mean that they were exported from other states due to poor turn up, but some things are worth being thought of, knowing that in politics most things are possible.

It was disheartening that Goodluck's brothers expressed a proverbial form of outward rejection at the APC side saying that ' a bad brother is not as good as a good friend.' That was a great height of dejection. When GEJ hears this he would feel peevish but debilitated. Anyways the proverb if thought over sounds plausible.

The part of this campaign from both sides that was uninteresting were those embarrassive distractions and mouth-to-ear messages to the speaker while addressing the crowd. This act displayed a level of indiscipline and an absence of the sense of sanctity.

I must commend APC's presidential and vice aspirant on their bravery in calling out names of their opponents while speaking; they made it seem like a doodle work. I also admire Goodluck' style of indirect call out, he displayed an elderly behaviour.

These two parties lightened up yesterday and we hope for more days of light and hilarious moments within the 35 days to February 14.

A WELCOME ADDRESS

It is pertinent that in this turbulent time, the commander-in-chief of the armed forces, the amiable, caring and ever- forgiving President of this nation, in person of Goodluck Ebele Jonathan(GEJ), GCFR have not given us a welcome address into the 'winter season' which we call harmattan in Nigeria. Since Nigerians will get a vivid picture of harmattan; despite this, Mr. President's forgiving nature will exonerate him from this frivolous act of climatic abandonment of his citizens.


Standing in his place as his representative on climatic matters to usher us into the harmattan season; I'll first of all say that the situation for our President's ignorance should be understood, as his work is very exhausting, especially this period that he is fighting strongly against insurgency, and the struggle to recontest for the presidential seat, amongst other tasking issues must have taken away his sense of concern for his patriotic citizens.

I present to you on behalf of the President an official address to welcome us into the winter season:

Dear Nigerians,

I articulate this speech today despite its lateness to usher each and everyone of us into the harmattan season, which is no respecter of persons; whether rich or poor.

It follows strictly to the principle that "thou shall cloth thyself properly with the right proportion of jelly" or risk having a white and dry skin." This weather comes with early morning dew and late morning dust.

The harmattan haze is escalating as each day goes by and the untiring, loyal Nigerian workers both the civil servants, private workers and buinessmen tend to be caught up by this peril which stands as a hazard to their good looking lips, hands and feet.

I charge all kiosk, shops, supermarkets, superstores and mall owners today, to reduce the price of petroleum jelly commonly called Vaseline to enable every Nigerian purchase the product comfortably for good looks. Citizens of Nigeria, no matter your stratum, apply lip balm or sheabutter on your lips to give it a sparkling look and to prevent dry chapped lips, olive oil should be rubbed on the skin in place of body cream to prevent a dry or white skin, socks should be worn at night before sleeping, a complete dress to wrist length(hand wise) and ankle length(leg wise) and a proper covering socks and shoe should be the dress code for all while stepping out for the days job. Kudos to those who have started, for those who haven't started, start now! A lip balm would be necessary this period for lip refreshment, a pair of glasses preferably sun shades would be necessary as harmattan is often accompanied by dust which affects visibility.

The weather is certain to be hot above 35-65 degree Celsius. It is adviceable for every citizen to move with an umbrella and a bottle of cold water to prevent dehydration. Be ready to feel dry because it comes with the weather.

Ensure to make judicious use of this period in the aspect of laundry, because the maximum time would be 30 minutes for a piece of cloth to get dried. Laundry hour can be any time, just be rest assured that the harmattan breeze would do its work of getting your cloth dried.

This season might be accompanied with some health isues like conjunctivitis, asthma, cough and sorethroat, so it is mandatory that everyone should have a handkerchief to prevent this communicable disease.

Hunters and livestock farmers that have unquantifiable love for meat should create another means to hunt for bush animals other than bush conflagration as it would certainly affect plant growth and food supply. Therefore, I speak with love to the hearts of the middle belters, especially the owners of the food basket of the nation, to control their appetite towards bush meat this period to prevent setting the bush ablaze.

My fellow Africans, precisely based in the Western part of Africa and other few African countries outside the Western region affected by winter. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. The climatic condition of your country might be higher than that of Nigeria, so there will be a need for use of heaters and geysers to keep oneself warm and this results to high electricity usage. Caution should be applied in using electric power to save up against economic break down and to avoid electric shock.

Nigerians are wonder filled people, they know how to manoeuvre with electricity, and the Power Holding Company of Nigeria(PHCN), the credibility of raw solar energy dwells in the cerebrum of every Nigeian; his water can get hot in the bucket through direct sun power. So do not bother about us because our acclamatic nature is wonderful.

In essence try to keep yourself healthy for your family, friends, community and your nation.

Fellow Nigerians and our beloved regional neighbours feeling the harmattan's taunting breeze partially or in its fullness; I welcome you once again officially to the harmattan season. I charge everyone to get the best out of it.

Great people, great nation.
One Africa for all.
Together we stand forever.
God bless Africa.
God bless the blacks.